its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize