Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
