Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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