My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
