weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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