defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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