The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
