Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
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Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize