if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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