I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
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Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
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Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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