I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
