I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
