I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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