I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
