She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
