the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
