Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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