I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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