it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
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I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
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Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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