Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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