I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
