She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
