I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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