see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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