A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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