I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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