hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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