I'm going to jail i love you
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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