I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
