this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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