I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
