We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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