K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
