Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
