My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
