Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
