Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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