well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
