handjob tips. give me some.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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