Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
