you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
