overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
