shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
