She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Are we still banned from the library?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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