Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
