Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
