I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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