He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
