Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
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I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
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After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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