Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize