I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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