6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
