have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
