How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
