Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
