the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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