I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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