I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
