i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
