I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
